Not a snowball's chance in hell?

Or, time to Dust off Defence Scheme #1?

Well, President Trump, we, too, have a plan. It’s coming your way. It’s been a closely guarded secret for 104 years. You will never unearth a copy of it, not unless you can somehow get a library card for access to Queen’s University’s archives. But it’s a woke place, so probably safe from your heavy tread. In any case, as a convicted felon, you would be barred from entering the country.

There is an excerpt about the plan in a book by an anti-American academic, but that’s probably safe as well. ^[1] We understand you don’t really read, not even the President’s Daily brief (PDB). The CIA tried to dumb it down for you, to little avail.

So, I need to warn you.

The plan was put together by the ferocious Lt. Col. James Sutherland “Buster” Brown. He was part of our very own deep state, as head of military intelligence. It was entitled, “A Plan for a Pre-emptive strike on the United States by the British Dominion of Canada, circa 1921” (or Canadian Defence Scheme #1). Remember, we were a pretty big military power during WW1. We fought in that war for a considerably longer period than you late-comers, dragged as you were into action only by the trickery of British intelligence (deep state again!) and the stupidity of one German statesman named Alfred Zimmermann (who didn’t like your country either). Zimmermann hoped to encourage the Mexicans and Japanese to invade you. Sends a shiver doesn’t it.

Buster Brown was no fool. He knew Canada was outnumbered by your lot. He was also worried about the number of Americans resident in Canada, potential sympathizers, (add foreign interference perpetrators and Tesla drivers). He also didn’t think Quebeckers would initially be on board.

So, what to do when you are outnumbered by a bigger foe and need to raise the morale of your own people? Strike first, move fast, and then burn the place down as you retreat.

Just to give you an idea, here is how it would go. ^[2] Canadian army “flying units” would advance and occupy Spokane, Seattle and Portland, Oregon. The Kraken players may be seized as hostages or drafted to bolster the Montreal Canadiens in their playoff run.

From the Prairies, our troops would cross the border and seize Fargo, and then continue a “general advance” towards Minneapolis and St. Paul, cutting lines of communication.

We would stay on the defensive in Ontario (holding back Doug Ford), but would mount cross-border raids (shades of 1812) to ensure we had a monopoly on casinos in the Niagara peninsula.

From Quebec, we would descend on…Albany, New York. Melanie Joly would explain it all to the UN, to make up for her poor performance at the Halifax International Security Forum.

From our Atlantic provinces, look out Maine.

Of course we wouldn’t try to hold all this territory. Just give you and the MAGA folk an almighty shock. Then we would do a Russia playbook in reverse and burn everything down on our retreat back to the Canadian hinterland, heads held high. Your pal, Putin, would be proud.

How you do like them beans? Maybe some of your border states would like to join us to avoid such devastation. Maine, New York, Washington, North Dakota, Minnesota all welcome if they don’t mind a little dose of liberal democracy and joining a country that never pretended to be an empire or be situated on some exceptional hill.

In the meantime, we might see if we can stir up Mexico into a little action on your southern flank. They seem in the mood for it.

Needless to say, the defence plan has been updated so I am not giving away any real secrets. But here’s a hint—Fargo, North Dakota, is not really in our sights any longer.

But you may say, well “Governor Trudeau” and feckless Canadian politicians will never endorse this. We have a plan for that as well. It involves “education.” Here is how we put it in Defence Scheme #1 way back in 1921:

“Members of Parliament and Members of the Senate are drawn from various sources of life, most of them with no War Service and very many of them with no militia connection and no knowledge of the vast machinery required of war and of the terrible disadvantage of loss of initiative at the commencement of a campaign. It is your [the miliary command’s] duty then to do what you can within your sphere of action to see that such political personages are enlightened on questions of Defence.”

Enlightment is being worked on. Progress? That’s a secret.

Want to interfere with our precious Fed-Prov relations? Forget it. We also have a plan for that. As Defence Scheme # 1 presciently understood:

“every care should be taken to prevent Provincial or Parochial matters interfering with broad questions. There is a tendency for Provincial politicians to interfere with the proper organization and there will probably be the same tendency to prevent the proper distribution of troops in time of war. This tendency may only be eliminated by education.”

We are very big on education, and lightning strikes, and scorched earth.

So, lookout, Mr. President.

---

^[1] James Eayrs, In Defence of Canada: From the Great War to the Great depression (University of Toronto Press [also woke], 1967); see also Christopher M. Bell, 1997, “Thinking the Unthinkable: British and American Naval Strategies for an Anglo-American War, 1918-1931, The International History Review, 19, no. 4, 789-808. Just to throw you off Mr. President, Mr. Bell thought the plan unworkable…

^[2] Check out the Wikipedia [probably woke] entry on “Defence Scheme # 1 for some excerpts…https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_Scheme_No._1